Wow, I cannot believe that the last time I wrote on here was in April! Time really flies when you are on the go and living life, but it is good to sit down every once in a while to collect your thoughts and let them spill out onto whatever you have available to you, whether it be a piece of paper, napkin, or your computer screen. I still write in my journal every single day, but I plan on returning to blogging around once a week. I’m going to change around the way I write these entries, focusing more on my thoughts rather than what is in the photos I take (although I still plan on sharing them). Who knows, I might be able to help someone who is going through the same things I am.
In my time away from blogging, I have done a number of different things. I have started a new job, gone through another successful season of coaching, explored different parts of the country, read many books, taken more chances, and about a million other oddities that I cannot think of at the moment. One thing that has not changed is my thought process when it comes to life or as I like to call it “being a thinker”. My fellow thinkers can level with me on this; thinking is a gift and a curse and you often don’t know which one it is until you are in the moment.
Personally, I would say that my thinking is a gift most of the time, a gift which has allowed me to stay true to myself throughout the years and refrain from being “just another face in the crowd”. I’m different, and those who have truly gotten to know me know how great of a heart I have and how I would do anything to see others happy. I genuinely care about others and everything they’re going through in their lives, and I feel like it is one of my callings to do whatever I can to bless them. Despite all the positives my wandering, analyzing mind has brought me, I’d be lying to myself if I said my thinking hadn’t ever given me trouble. It actually has given me an abundance of trouble, especially in my past, as my over-thinking led to me doubting my character, what my purpose on this earth actually was, and why I couldn’t stay consistently happy.
I struggled quite a bit with these issues growing up and all the way through my teen years, then one day, almost out of the blue, I felt as if I woke up. It is like I had been sleeping on myself and what I had to offer the world, but now, I was up and had this new-found wisdom. As I gained wisdom, I not only learned more about truly loving myself, but I gained a better understanding of God’s plan for my life and have really allowed Him to go to work on my soul. The troublesome episodes started becoming less frequent to non-existent. I felt like I was in a great place and making strides forward when it came to being the man I wanted to be.
I felt like I was on top of the world for quite a while and really coming into my own, but sure enough, those troublesome thoughts started to peak their head into my life again. It was not to the same extent as it had been before as far as frequency goes, but in times of deep thought in trying times, I found myself experiencing an all too familiar feeling. The only way I can describe this feeling is by using the word “empty”, but it was not the same “empty”. It was on a completely different level, and quite frankly, very hard to deal with or explain to others. When I get this feeling, it is almost as if there is this gaping hole or a void deep down; a longing for something or to be something greater. The trouble is, I had no idea why I felt this way and could not pinpoint where these feelings were coming from. I thought I had left all of this behind me, but apparently, I had not discovered what the root of the issue actually was.
As I stated before, I have spent a lot of time reading during my time away from blogging, and not your average books. The books I have read and continue to read are pieces of literature that are deep and have allowed me to gain a new perspective when it came to several key areas of life. The book I am in the middle of now, “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge, is all about taking a look into “What is the masculine soul?” and how men go about finding their hearts/becoming who they were always meant to be. The description of what this book is about intrigued me because I felt like that is where my struggles came from (the feelings of emptiness and the level of uncertainty I felt about where I was meant to be in many areas of life), but I was a little skeptical. I wasn’t sure how a book could help me understand my emptiness or its origin.
I went through this book at my own pace and really prayed on things, and found that my skepticism disappeared. I truly began to understand the messages the book was relaying, which ultimately helped me identify why I felt so empty in my heart and soul at times. In the early chapters, Eldredge talks about how all men have wounds and it takes them searching inside their souls and really allowing God to work in their lives for them to figure out the source of each wound they have. Once a man discovers the source of his wound, he can take the necessary steps to start the healing process and get on the path he was always meant to be on.
After reading these words, I figured out why the feeling of emptiness has continued to make its way back into my life. I’m wounded. I’m wounded and I have not yet found the source of my wound. How can I begin to heal if I don’t even know where my wound is or what it incorporates? I’ll answer my own question; I can’t. I have to find the source, and the only way to do that is by giving the entire thing to God wholeheartedly and trusting that He will get me to where I need to be as a man when I’m supposed to be there.
I still have days where I struggle with my wound and I expect that this will continue to be the case at times, but the fact that I was able to identify that I had a wound in the first place is an amazing gift that I will forever be grateful for. In the meantime, I plan on continuing to do the things that bring joy to my life and to bless others as I have been instructed to. I find that if I do those things, the answers I seek and the source of my wound will be revealed to me all on their own. Life is a war, I am a fighter, and I will find a way to win this battle and each one after it. Count on that.